Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Love Versus Attachment

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Love is a profoundly deep feeling of intense affection for someone or something. It is high and light and wonderfully of God; love truly does make the world go 'round.  Love is the electricity that illuminates the universe. Love inspires us to write and sing and dance and create and *squeeeee* when we see the perfection of a newborn baby or when we catch a glimpse of our favorite person or hear a snippet of a beloved song.  Love is bliss.  Love is Rapture. There should be no pain in love. Or anxiety. And absolutely no fear. Sounds like a difficult state to achieve doesn't it? Impossible even.  Well it isn't impossible to experience love with no fear or attachment although it takes some intense inner work and will always be a journey to reach a goal instead of a ending up at the destination. Many people experience attachment to others instead of love for them. We have ALL been there because we are human.  When you feel "love" for another person that also involves low-energy emotions like: fear, anxiety, depression, anger, sadness or suffering this is not a high-energy love. It is attachment.

According to psychologist Mary Ainsworth, "Attachment is not just a connection between two people; it is a bond that involves a desire for regular contact with that person and the experience of distress during separation from that person." Now this is fine and dandy between an infant and her mother but attachment is not healthy in a romantic relationship {the word "distress" here should stick out to you like a turd in a punchbowl.}  A barnacle attaches to the bottom of a ship and later has to be violently scraped off by the crew. Lamprey eels attach to the flesh of other fish to suck their blood- that is "attachment." Not love.

So think about it... you see attachment all the time, all around you in real life and in the media.  Rarely is "true love," unconditional love, portrayed correctly in the media.  Love songs are mostly about sick attachment, and I apologize if I am raining on your romantic parade {I now feel like posting a link to "Singing in The Rain!} Bruno Mars' song "Grenade?"  Reeks of attachment.  He gave her all he had and she decided she no longer wanted him in her life but he'd still catch a grenade for her or take a bullet straight through his brain for her, endure a ton of pain for her.  That is not love- it is sickness.  

A couple "falls in love" and after the initial honeymoon phase of spending every imaginable moment together being connected at the hip {and other places maybe heh heh heh} is over then low-energy emotions being to creep in when one partner may want to ease back into having a little bit of personal space.  Jealousy, a total low-energy fear-based emotion, is a classic reaction when this happens.  Then Facebook stalking begins, the distrust grows.  Silly ego-based worries crop up that allow our self-esteem to plummet when it is imagined that our partner may be out looking for a new love instead of say maybe... being home practicing his guitar or maybe even swilling a few beers with his buddies while giving high fives and smack talking.  We are not experiencing "love" for that person when we desire to be with them every waking moment but instead attachment.  Do not let love turned attachment fall even deeper into an addiction for another person because then You. Are. Screwed.  Only pain will lie ahead for you as you suffer the eventual train wreck of breakup and withdraw, just like coming off the high of any other drug of choice. 

Love would be wanting to give your mate space to breathe and grow and be his own person.  Love would be loving *yourself* enough to desire the same thing for YOU.  Do not lose yourself in a relationship.  Be more aware than most.  Do not attach yourself to your "love" like a lamprey eel, sucking out the lifeblood in a fruitless effort to feel better about yourself through the constant attention of another.  That is distress and desperation, so so far from love.  You do not need someone else to fill you because you are complete on your own.

Love yourself first.  When you do you will not need to seek affirmation through the eyes of another. No, really.  I know it sounds cliche' but honest-to-God cross my heart it really must happen first that you love yourself before you can be content with another and he content with you.  And I do mean blissfully in love with yourself... look in the mirror and give yourself a "Come here often?" cheeky smile of adoration and admiration for all you've achieved in life, and all you've managed to overcome through mistakes, pain and suffering as well. Learn this loving yourself because I guarantee if you don't then The Universe, God, All That Is- will eventually force you to do so.  And at times it ain't a fun lesson.  Read up on learning to love yourself and connecting to your Higher Self.  Learn about your chakras and where they might be blocked and all that inner stuff no one ever really wants to take the time to do, like yoga and prayer and meditation, but that completely heals and awaken us.   

In the end when you have a better more concrete idea of what true unconditional love really is, a love where you can let someone go when you know it is in his or her or your higher good to do so even though letting go may be heartbreaking, you will know true emotional freedom.   Then the awful digging-into-your-flesh ties that bind you, attach you, to seeking affirmation of love outside of your own heart will forever be broken.  Always remember when a person you love has come and gone from your life it takes a strong individual to allow that love to forever reside in the heart while letting go of the attachment; this ability to let go is true unconditional love- the love that God has for us and desires us to have for others.

How strong are you?


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