Tuesday, July 17, 2012

It's Alright to Feel - Even if it is Sadness

In my line of work, I am supposed to be everyone's cheerleader, and sometimes forget that I too need one. With the constant sadness, my vibration can sometimes be clogged with other's stories, along with my own life stuff. We all have our life stuff, right? Not as many people are as open as I am. About everything. Thankfully my family is okay with it, because even a trip to Target results in someone stopping me and asking how my kitten is, or if my husband is over his cough, or whatever else I might have posted. To me, it feels a lot like a past life I know I had in a small town, where everyone knew everybody and everything about one another. For me, it feels comfortable. But I don't always feel comfortable with exposing my emotions. For some reason I feel that everyone should see me as this peppy, happy, cheerleader. And then yesterday in meditation I had a message.

To show your human side, Kristy, only shows others that you understand. 

Ugh. I have to be human? :)

Last week my dad had a heart attack. If you didn't see my posting on my other blog site, it is here under What Matters. It wasn't his first, and I had mentioned a few weeks previous to my mother-in-law that I was concerned he was rapidly climbing the hill towards another. I do great in crises. I immediately go into action, know the right answers, know the answers quickly, seek out the answers if I don't and I realized that I sort of block myself from emotion. I did it with my mom's illness and with her death too. It would be almost six months later that it all hit me, the energy Novocaine wore off and it all hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn't healthy either, and still isn't. I don't think it is avoidance, I think it is just how I deal with it, because avoiding would be - well, avoiding, but I delve deep into the crises and take care of business. That wouldn't be avoidance. I did some soul searching yesterday and realized that it was re-programming from previous relationships who hated when I cried. Hated when I felt. And to hear constantly, "Stop crying and take action", I guess that is what I do now. But it is a balance of the two that must be met.

How do you handle a crises? Do you feel? Do you act? Do you feel and act?

The past few days I have been in a funk. Mad would text me and my mind, all a fuzz, would generically text back. I am not even sure I wanted (or want) to talk about the funk because I am not sure what the funk is. Oh, I can complain. Can't we all? But it runs deeper than the surface complaints of the house being a mess, the kids running me here and there, the kitten having a cold, etc.

This morning I decided to spend time writing and just be with me. The kids away, my dad asleep, Chuck asleep. And the animals...well, they are running around, but I can tune them out. Instead of writing, though, I went to Pinterest. Looking at pretty things, sort of like window shopping, was all I wanted to do to see if I could clear my mind, and a simple picture threw me into a fit of tears, which I believe helped me - feel.

My mom, who passed away in January of 2006, loved anything with roosters on it. I hated them. Roosters? They are mean animals, I would tell her. Why roosters? She had the whole house at one time decorated with roosters. I used to joke that when she passed on that I didn't want the roosters! Well, when she passed away we sold most of her rooster collection, except for one piece that my husband felt was important to keep and it sits on the top shelf in my kitchen. When we went to Gettysburg a couple weeks back, I kept seeing roosters and would smile, thinking that mom was showing me up. See, Kristy, roosters are cool.  As I went to my Pinterest today, I clicked on 'Popular' and saw a room that I fell in love with. It was a living room painted yellow with a crisp white fireplace. I clicked on the link and was taken to several photos of a house that I loved, with a decorating style called French Country/Nantucket Inspired. And in almost each of the pictures were - roosters. Now, I know you decorating experts will tell me most French Country has roosters in it, but I don't believe it was a coincidence. I believe it was my mom telling me to continue to believe, that she loves me, what I want is coming - and to buy roosters. :)

So when you are in a funk - remember that there is always people around us here, and on the Other Side, who want to make us laugh.


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